a ticket to nowhere
i keep grasping at and trying to pin down the butterfly of happiness
i hate myself for having missed the lecture to humanism
a sacrificial orientation partaking inside of the reflective surfaces of my room
when i see the visitor, i feel nothing.
they keep showing up inside of the reflection but i don't recognize them. i never do.
the mossy incubator has grown a layer of dust, and my weary brain can't grasp that i was ever so small.
my limbs stretch and drape down the cliff, as i lay with the sun on my face and my back burned by the freezing snow
i begin to seep into the river and float along the current
once i'm there, it's hard to get out
there's self mutilation on the stems and it's soaking into the soil beneath your feet.
arachnid shaped floaters inside of my eyes make room for hallucinations
anhedonia contaminated the water
maybe when i get there it will all make sense.
maybe i can go see an opera.. or see ballerinas prance across the theatre stage.
maybe there will be all the treats that i can eat
maybe there will be all of the animals that i've ever dreamed of
maybe i will feed them pink hued chunks of meat
and maybe they'll share some with me
when i get off this train the old weeds will dwindle
the robins will no longer call out my name
the water will dry up along with every part of my righteous body
my flowers of flesh and blood
the river will leave not even a trace
my hair will be tangled around emerging oak
but maybe when i get there it won't make sense
and maybe there won't be any treats, nor any animals
maybe they won't want to share with me
but nothing can be worse than where i once was
and when i get off this train i'll finally be free
though maybe freedom is nothing more than another cage
silence is louder
and the moss beneath my feet will swallow me
but the visitor will still be there
waiting for me to come home
when the train finally stops i will step off
but not into freedom
but into the arms of the visitor in my reflection
who i still don't know much, but i do know they never left me