anglerfish man
as i lay on the operating table, and you push the creaky tool cart closer by
my eyes pool up from the light on your forehead,
i think it might be tuesday now..
♡ the date is tuesday december 17th 1932, and it is going to be the first day of the beginning of my life
♡ the cold metal touches the skin of the abdomen.. i noticed a slight flinch caused by the tensing muscles
you cut me open slow and steady, like a piece of ripe fruit that might slip out of your hands
♡ after the slight apprehension, the patient appears to be practically pushing up into the scalpel
your hands adorned in shiny black rubber plunge inside slowly
♡ my heart begins to flutter and i feel my forehead getting hot beneath the bulb..
♡ it feels surreal to finally be seeing what is inside.
i feel a strange sensation and my vision begins to blur like a foggy morning
plucking between my tendons like a harp
observing the coiling red inside the well
it begins to suffocate you and you imagine it wrapping around your neck
♡ my heart is pounding out of my chest
my little cup of medicine has surely kicked in—
or maybe it’s the astigmatism..
because the light on your forehead spreads fifty feet wide..
and it feels like fireworks are going off beneath my skin and inside the room.
♡ my watery eyes sting and burn, so i scrunch them closed repeatedly.
my eyes peer down as i watch the delicate dark gloves lift out my insides
i remembered the day on the lake when i witnessed my first fish getting gutted
is this how it felt?
♡ i'm so happy.. i can hardly breathe
beady eyes staring as its restricted, orange light blasting into it's retinas
♡ i wish i could feel how velvety and soft the lungs and intestines are against the skin of my bare hands
a dry mouth and a feverish, hungry cavity waiting for you
i find it difficult to understand how greedy you are
your mouth and soul is a bottomless pit
i watch my innards be fondled between rubbered hands like a child playing with a slinky
i can hear your heartbeat as you stare directly at my eyes but not into them
♡ i feel nervous..
do you want to take those as well?
would you pluck out your own eyes to give mine a try? do you think you'd see the world like i do?
... your heavy breathing repulses me
♡ the material of the gloves tend to lightly tug against the skin rather than smoothly glide..
i feel a rubbered hand on the centre of my chest
my vision feels like i'm perpetually looking into the reflection of swirling waters
♡ the patients breathing feels stifled under my hand
♡ i enjoy feeling the unsteady yet determined heartbeat .. or is it an attempt at self induced asphyxiation
standing over the operating table, you stare at your salvation: my now hollowed stomach.
the gentle and meticulous motions have shifted to animalistic responses
you push my ribs out of the way like brittle branches,
grabbed the edges of my torn skin and pulled them
the flesh clings to your gloves as you push yourself inside
the resistance of my body refusing to surrender against the intrusion
your boots grind against my spine as you crawl deeper
i feel every shift, every snap and tear
my body is screaming in protest while my mouth remains silent
the cracks echo inside my skull
your breath fogs against the underside of my hollow sternum
gloved fingers hook into the shredded tissue, pulling the flesh tight around you
you visualize the soft fleshy membrane cocoon engulfing larvae
the weight of you presses against my spine-- crushing me flat against the table
my body now a solo show
i don't know how you managed to fit inside
your head craning awkwardly to fit beneath the dome of my hollowed chest
all curled up in fetal position
you think it is your deliverance
it didn't even have to be me, wrong place at the wrong time
bursting at the seams
you got to keep everything,
still fully in garb, rubber gloves and apron, boots and all
only the golden watch sits on the tool cart,
its surface glinting under the dusted lamp.
as i lay there flat like a dissected specimen
emptied out and then filled with something new
muddy tracks of blood caused by big black boots smeared along the cavity
my body was ripped apart with the agitation of prying open a stubborn crate
yet i tell myself the look behind those fogged up glasses looked almost pure, nervous
an extension of yourself, fusing and swallowing
my shallow breathing
♡ i feel so safe in here.. it's so soft, and warmer than i ever imagined.
♡ i'm shaking.. can you feel it too? i can feel the way your body is holding me—like it knows i belong here
♡ i feel like i'm home for the first time
i struggle to move my head, staining to see the damage
the thin skin of my chest drapes your skull like a brides wedding veil
and the bulb on your forehead is shining through the spot
where my heart used to be
i don't know how long it's been
but i can still feel you moving around in there,
twisting, squirming, adjusting yourself inside the hole
you tucked yourself inside like a fetus returning to the womb
but there’s nothing maternal here no matter how much you try to cry inside of my stolen skin
and i can tell you enjoy this— but i just feel more sick.